Ok so bed time routine done and have more stuff jumbling round in my head. This seems to be the way of things that when I am ready to rest my brain decides something different. I am by no means a writer so please don’t judge my grammar (although hopefully this will improve with my creative writing course). My bed time routine is the same every night and always consists of a battle of leg room in the bed with my dog; he’s super cute and a bit of a life saver – more about him later though.
Me, well I sit and think of everything I grateful for, which is tough when your base setting is self pity and dread. I have a lot actually – an awful lot to be grateful for. Lovely kids, a roof over our head and a full time job. Yet I still find more room for everything I don’t have. One of my biggest frustrations;
Why am I not enough?????
Also …..I can be in a room of 100 people telling me Im good at this, and lovely about that. Then that ONE negative (harmless or not) comment. That one person who decides to say that one negative thing that I have said or done or am and there it is. Its stuck and front and centre in the brain like a lighthouse. Flashing Flashing Flashing – all the lovely things that the other 99 people said now mean nothing and all I can think about is me and my part in it, what did I do wrong OMG Im an awful person. I mean really !!!! It drives me nuts.
As I am a member of the Recovery Breakdown Service (and I don’t mean the Automobile Association) we are encouraged to look at our part in all situations – good and bad. This is great but can also be a double edge sword cause trust me if I want to beat myself up about something I will… over and over and over again. Another encourage behaviour is to try not to take too much on… so what that other person may or may not have said is their opinion and therefore I shouldn’t “take that opinion as truth” as it is their opinion. Again a double edge sword as my brain will decide to take on all that is negative as truth and all that is positive as not so truthful ( lies is maybe a bit harsh).
The one thing I do have and try to do every night is my gratitude list, which does tend to be constant;
- Kids – love them and even through all the madness of my drinking they are turning out pretty fine.
- Roof over our heads
- My lovely lovely pooch – even if his is lying beside me snoring away
My most important one and the one I have said every night till now;
4. Another sober day done !!