Over the last 1028 days I have been told over and over to believe what people tell me to be the truth. For someone like me that is really difficult and is totally a reflection on how I feel about me – or is it?
In my head I know what I am good at, I am even starting to believe that I might have a flare for writing. I’m not saying I am going to win a literary prize but if I entertain someone then that will make me happy.
You see it is all about expectations good and bad. These are what set us up for success and failure.
I took the brave step of telling a few friends of this blog last night. I have had several positive comments back as well as some wonderful constructive feedback. Deep Deep Deep inside my being I am really flattered and feel really good about what I am doing but there is still that tiny seed of doubt that says, “OMG who do you think you are?”; “Why would anyone want to read this?” These are the thoughts that will lead me to stop – delete – hide.
This time however I am chosing to believe these people. I am chosing to believe that what I am writing is good enough and it is totally a choice to either read or not read this.
I remember at school we all had to write a short story. I remember the praise I got from my teacher and the twists and turns that were in my story. I felt great….. Somehow that feeling then got diluted by the fact that I didn’t get the reaction I wanted outside of the classroom. I wanted validation from people who were never going to give me it so that they defined how I felt about that piece of work.
So you see the dilemma here – on one hand I got a fantastic mark for my story and significant praise from my teacher but the validation from the source I wanted it from was never there. So that made me feel under valued and therefore not good enough. Was that my choice to only focus on the negative, why did I chose to believe that version of the events.
Either way a whole catalogue of similar experiences has left its mark on me. As I grew into adulthood I masked these feelings of confusion with alcohol as that was easier than confronting and managing them.
Now I don’t drink and I have to face them, its tough.
But face them I will and believe in what I am doing I will continue to do. My only expectation here is a bit of light entertainment for a few close friends.
The literary prize and best-selling novel/movie can wait till next year 😉