I am so sick of overbearing people (mainly men) telling me what to do all the time, talk to me not at me.
My statement about may seem a bit random when my heading above is Perception of Self but you’ll get it soon. There are a few variants in play here;
- How I feel in a good moment
- How I feel in a not so good moment
- What I think others see
- How I want others to respond
All of these can vary from moment to moment.
On the whole I think I am a fairly decent person. I do my best but don’t feel that my best is ever enough. Whenever I try to give myself praise there is a voice in my head constantly telling me I’m wrong, or being big-headed. “Who do you think you are?” is the normal thought or “Get over yourself”
When I put myself down or have a negative viewpoint, well that is ok as that is validation of my truth. I have no idea of what other people think and like me that viewpoint can change on a regular basis dependant on actions or behaviours.
We are often told that we “have to learn to love ourself”. For someone like me that is a huge ask. When I first joined the fellowship I didn’t even recognise the face in the mirror. I had a total dissociation with any childhood photos of myself, mentally I had separated the two and created a whole new persona. The reality is that I have to learn to accept myself for what I am.
So how do I interact with others, well that is the tricky bit. My first biggest problem is that I make an assumption that I am immediately judged on my looks. This is normally when I make an effort and think I look good but then get no validation of that. That is me either seeking attention or reassurance – I’m still working that out. However if I am ever told I look nice I wont believe it and then consider, is that rude as I am basically telling that person they are a liar.
In reality the people who normally tell me I look nice are my friends so I definitely can’t believe them as they would say that anyway. Although if I see one of them looking particularly nice one day I will ensure that I tell them, because it is a nice thing to recognise. Total double standards eh..
So how do other people see me? I have no idea and actually neither should I care. Since looking in the mirror 2 yrs and 10 months ago I can now recognise myself and even praise myself on a good day. On a bad I have started to think “well that’s just me and how I am.” although I don’t always believe my word I say them anyway in the hope that one day I will. That’s progress.
Back to my statement at the beginning then, I think I get fed up of over bearing people telling me what to do because I let them. Maybe if I had more conviction in me and my actions there would be no need to tell me how to be.