Perception of Self

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I am so sick of overbearing people (mainly men) telling me what to do all the time, talk to me not at me.

My statement about may seem a bit random when my heading above is Perception of Self but you’ll get it soon.  There are a few variants in play here;

  1. How I feel in a good moment
  2. How I feel in a not so good moment
  3. What I think others see
  4. How I want others to respond

All of these can vary from moment to moment.

On the whole I think I am a fairly decent person. I do my best but don’t feel that my best is ever enough.  Whenever I try to give myself praise there is a voice in my head constantly telling me I’m wrong, or being big-headed. “Who do you think you are?” is the normal thought or “Get over yourself”

When I put myself down or have a negative viewpoint, well that is ok as that is validation of my truth. I have no idea of what other people think and like me that viewpoint can change on a regular basis dependant on actions or behaviours.

We are often told that we “have to learn to love ourself”.  For someone like me that is a huge ask. When I first joined the fellowship I didn’t even recognise the face in the mirror.  I had a total dissociation with any childhood photos of myself, mentally I had separated the two and created a whole new persona. The reality is that I have to learn to accept myself for what I am.

So how do I interact with others, well that is the tricky bit. My first biggest problem is that I make an assumption that I am immediately judged on my looks.  This is normally when I make an effort and think I look good but then get no validation of that.  That is me either seeking attention or reassurance – I’m still working that out.  However if I am ever told I look nice I wont believe it and then consider, is that rude as I am basically telling that person they are a liar.

In reality the people who normally tell me I look nice are my friends so I definitely can’t believe them as they would say that anyway.  Although if I see one of them looking particularly nice one day I will ensure that I tell them, because it is a nice thing to recognise.  Total double standards eh..

So how do other people see me?  I have no idea and actually neither should I care.  Since looking in the mirror 2 yrs and 10 months ago I can now recognise myself and even praise myself on a good day.  On a bad I have started to think “well that’s just me and how I am.”  although I don’t always believe my word I say them anyway in the hope that one day I will.  That’s progress.

Back to my statement at the beginning then, I think I get fed up of over bearing people telling me what to do because I let them.  Maybe if I had more conviction in me and my actions there would be no need to tell me how to be.

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