This too shall pass
At the age of 39 I got told that I was in peri menopause which makes sense as around this time my depression was spiralling out of control, hormones are a great cause of mental illness in women.
I was incredibly anxious, scared and living in a world that I had created on in my head. I had no sense of reality, this is probably when my alcoholism was at its peak, or at least definitely going in that direction.
I have always suffered with depression and revelled it as a teenager but in the 80’s mental health wasnt really understood. So I grew my fringe, cried a lot and hid in a world of teenage fiction and dreamed of another life. I always had a sense that if I moved to a new school I would meet the perfect friends and date the most popular boy at school.
My breakdown at 39 certainly didn’t feel the same. I was totally at the jumping off point and had no idea where to go or what to do. Because of how I was as a teenager and choices I have made through my life I had really developed a skill in putting on a “brave face”. I could turn on a smile and say I was fine in a way that was believed. The problem with that is then when you ask for help you don’t know how to be real and actually ask for help. Then if I did succeed what did I then do to accept it????
My way of dealing with all the confused feelings was to drink, when I drank I was confident, or self loathing. Either way it was a persona that wasnt true. I did this for so long that I had no idea who I was.
For years I went to councillors, hypnotists did Yoga, exercise – anything I could to try to sort out my head. Deep down inside of my I knew that if I could stop drinking a lot of this would be better – I just didn’t know how as I had also manage to surround my self in a community of drinkers. Although anyone who tried to suggest I might have a problem were cut out immediately – I also loved a geographical.
When I finally found AA and stopped drinking I hoped that my depression would also pass. That is was another symptom of years of abusing my body. This was not the case sadly. I have chemical imbalance in my brain that I take medication for and get a great deal of care from my GP, I’m lucky there as my GP is incredibly aware and also supportive. One thing that did happen as I got sober though was that the anti-depressant got a chance to work instead of being drowned in alcohol.
Recently I had a period of severe depression where my life was in total turmoil, well in my head it was. I very nearly reached that “jumping off point”, actually literally but that’s not for today. I spoke to the fellowship and friends and blamed many outside factors as to why my mood had changed.
The one thing I didn’t consider was my GP, that’s still seems weak to me. Like admitting to someone younger and better educated that I have failed.
Thanks to my sponsor I did got and my GP immediately responded by the fact that maybe I had got used to my current medication and maybe needed a change. A change and some time out was what I got and slowly I got better. I am now on two different types of Anti-D’s and it is working. I am rational and balanced and present.
Well for now anyway.