Finding ways to heal

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This too shall pass

At the age of 39 I got told that I was in peri menopause which makes sense as around this time my depression was spiralling out of control, hormones are a great cause of mental illness in women.

I was incredibly anxious, scared and living in a world that I had created on in my head.  I had no sense of reality, this is probably when my alcoholism was at its peak, or at least definitely going in that direction.

I have always suffered with depression and revelled it as a teenager but in the 80’s mental health wasnt really understood.  So I grew my fringe, cried a lot and hid in a world of teenage fiction and dreamed of another life. I always had a sense that if I moved to a new school I would meet the perfect friends and date the most popular boy at school.

My breakdown at 39 certainly didn’t feel the same.   I was totally at the jumping off point and had no idea where to go or what to do.  Because of how I was as a teenager and choices I have made through my life I had really developed a skill in putting on a “brave face”.  I could turn on a smile and say I was fine in a way that was believed. The problem with that is then when you ask for help you don’t know how to be real and actually ask for help.  Then if I did succeed what did I then do to accept it????

My way of dealing with all the confused feelings was to drink, when I drank I was confident, or self loathing. Either way it was a persona that wasnt true. I did this for so long that I had no idea who I was.

For years I went to councillors, hypnotists did Yoga, exercise – anything I could to try to sort out my head.  Deep down inside of my I knew that if I could stop drinking a lot of this would be better – I just didn’t know how as I had also manage to surround my self in a community of drinkers.  Although anyone who tried to suggest I might have a problem were cut out immediately – I also loved a geographical.

When I finally found AA and stopped drinking I hoped that my depression would also pass. That is was another symptom of years of abusing my body.  This was not the case sadly.  I have chemical imbalance in my brain that I take medication for and get a great deal of care from my GP, I’m lucky there as my GP is incredibly aware and also supportive.  One thing that did happen as I got sober though was that the anti-depressant got a chance to work instead of being drowned in alcohol.

Recently I had a period of severe depression where my life was in total turmoil, well in my head it was. I very nearly reached that “jumping off point”,  actually literally but that’s not for today.  I spoke to the fellowship and friends and blamed many outside factors as to why my mood had changed.

The one thing I didn’t consider was my GP, that’s still seems weak to me.  Like admitting to someone younger and better educated that I have failed.

Thanks to my sponsor I did got and my GP immediately responded by the fact that maybe I had got used to my current medication and maybe needed a change.  A change and some time out was what I got and slowly I got better. I am now on two different types of Anti-D’s and it is working. I am rational and balanced and present.

Well for now anyway.

 

 

 

One thought on “Finding ways to heal

Add yours

  1. It definitely takes time and effort to find what works to help ourselves heal.
    Like you, I know my antidepressant actually works now that I am sober!
    It took me a few years to really feel good.
    Time helps!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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