Day 1037

man in coat holding leash of a english bulldog
Photo by Artun Odabaşyan on

Its been a funny day today. When I got up the sun was shining and I had nice plans arranged.  My mood was reasonable and I even got some chores done.

As my day progressed I could sense how tired I was and I got a bit irritable.  So I made some food and had a sleep, HALT in action.  Again woke up and felt better and went about my day.

Then this evening went to my regular Sunday night meeting. Before I even left the house I felt uneasy about going.  The when I got there even more so.  I was warmly welcomed as always, sat with my friend but just couldn’t shake off that feeling of unease.

The top table sharer was powerful and struck a chord, as they always do.  Yet about a third of the way through I had this overwhelming urge to walk out.  I didn’t leave but couldn’t sit still in my seat.  I wriggled and squirmed and then would lean forward, lean back. Cross my legs, uncrossed my legs. Even I was getting on my nerves.

As everyone shared back it again was powerful, there was a huge sense of honesty and some slight despair, but then that’s what meetings are for. A safe place to let out any angst or discomfort. I didn’t share.

Once the meeting was done I bolted, couldn’t get to my car quick enough and then quickly realised Id have to do a 20 point turn to get out of my parking spot. I’m sure my higher power has a twisted sense of humour.

Once home I cried and cried and tried to tell myself that I was lonely, no hungry, no tired.  I have no idea where all this emotion has come from but I have sat with it and not gone to different people for answers.  I have now eaten and decided to write this all done.  Tomorrow is another day and I am grateful that tonight I will go to bed sober.

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