My head is a crazy place and can change with the flick of a switch. I get incredibly lonely, heart wrenchingly lonely sometimes.
The first year of my recovery was swamped by my divorce. The last few years of my marriage was incredibly lonely and unhappy for me, yet I don’t think anyone around me had any idea of the torment and misery I was in. I would drink and drink, in public I would smile and be happy so then when the tears I came it just looked like Id had too much to drink (you need to also know that the people who were around me had no idea I was an alcoholic).
When I drank at home it was a different matter though. I knew I was drinking because I was unhappy but it was what I did. So I drank and drank until the oblivion when it was safe to go to bed, so I would fall asleep before my ex husband came up.
I have been unhappy and lonely pretty much all my life. As a child I would be sat in a busy room with family and feel completely isolated and alone. I’m not sure what that is, maybe unease with me and who I am but to have that as a young child seems strange.
Since getting over my first year of sobriety I entered into my second newly divorced and full of serenity and optimism. The worst was over, or so I thought. This year has been filled with emotional ups and downs. A lot of rejection with work but I have gained a better relationship with my sons, so there is an upside. Being a single mum and now owning the family home is a huge burden and I feel the pressure regularly. There are lots of little jobs that need done and I either don’t have the money to do them nor do I have the knowledge.
Now I am not saying that having a partner can fix everything but it might be nice to even have a family or someone who can help. One of the problems of doing geographicals all your life is that you have no idea where you are from so you are not in one place long enough to form deep deep relationships. Even though i have lived here longer than anywhere i have never really been part of the community. i work out of where I live, yearning for that perfect job, or is it just easier because that way I keep everyone at arm’s length.
I listen to people in the rooms talking about family and how they have let people down. My list of let downs is pretty small as I never really let many people into my “hula hoop” as my sponsor calls it.
As a single woman in my late 40’s that now makes life very difficult. I struggle in getting close to people, I struggle about who i can trust but also in who i should talk with. I’m still attracted to broken people as i guess I can see myself in them.
I went to a meeting tonight out of loneliness and also because I recognise it’s a safe place for me when I feel unsettled. As I did last night though I couldn’t leave quick enough as I just didn’t feel comfortable.