So I did a crazy thing last night, I took a very deep breath and then posted my blog link on Facebook. I did it pretty late at night sort of hoping no one would really see it or realise its me. How wrong could I be – but I have to say the result is an outpouring of love.
It’s so scary laying yourself bare and exposed. Most of the people who I have shared this with so far have been other addicts in recovery, now I’ve gone past that and put this out there with the rest of the human race.
For years I have hidden any feelings that I thought might make me vulnerable. I left home at 17 and went hurtling into the big bad world with no idea of what I was doing. I went running into it with passion and gusto but with no idea of my feelings.
I put myself in difficult situations over and over, challenging people but being incredibly defensive. I loved the partying, it meant that I could pretend and not deal. It touch me out of the situation but created a persona that wasnt real.
Now I do want to caveat this mornings blog in that the stories in here do not define me. In the main I am ok, I just have moments of extreme feelings and senses that i still don’t understand. Most people can experience a rejection and just think “oh well” not me. I will analyse, worry and obsess. I always beat myself up and worry about what my part in it was. I am learning though that it’s not always about me.