Day 1041

depth of field photo of diety god statuette
Photo by Abhinav Goswami on Pexels.com

Today has been a good day.  I am just back from my evening class and am feeling very enthused by what I have learned tonight. I am now sat reflecting on my day.

Today has been nice, started with a dog walk and a chat with someone I normally see.  He has two incredibly handsome chocolate labs that my dog loves.  Walks are restricted to 20 mins just now as he has hurt his leg but that’s ok.

Then I had a good working day, got stuff done felt accomplished and not that I had been lazy. Always a good sign especially when you work from home. It does make staring at a blank wall for hours on end very easy.

Finished on time, ate some food (now that is an achievement for me these days) and went to my evening class. I am so excited about my writing and the projects I am working on.

What does this all say about recovery? Well it means that today I have not chastised myself, been self loathing or self-pitying. In fact today has been a fairly normal day and normal is good. A normal day is a rarity for someone with addiction problems as we like to dramatise so my mood can go from extreme highs and excitement to hating myself and telling myself how useless I am.  To get somewhere in the middle is where I imagine everyone else to be, and what I strive for.

It’s a strange sensation though, just to be ok.  When you are used to the highs and lows ok then feels like a low. It’s like a lull in your mood, an unusual feeling not unlike being nervous or in anticipation – the calm before the storm.  I find this state of mind the hardest to deal with.  I have to be careful as this is when I will self sabotage and convince myself that I am that failure. The useless person who can’t do anything right, and then the extreme cycle starts again.

Right now however I am in a good place. I am going to finish this and get an early night and then tomorrow is another day.

 

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