Day 1047

It seems to be the way of things just now that I am plodding along thinking all is well and BANG!!!! life throws me another curveball.  Yesterday the job I have been in for 6 weeks decided that they no longer want to keep me in their employment.

I got the call around lunchtime and by complete co-incidence had arranged to see my sponsor at 1pm.  Well when I opened my front door I think she thought someone had died.

I was in a pretty bad way, not just crying but full on panic attack. I couldn’t breathe it was awful.  The impact and panic of a situation like that is awful.  I have a substantial mortgage that I pay on my own, so the pressure is mammoth in my head – especially when something is out of my control.  If I had the chance to hand in my notice then that is a very different scenario indeed.

My sponsor was amazing and went into practical mode and helped me sort out a few things including looking at my mortgage payments.  Simple things like that take a huge amount of pressure off and was an incredible help.  Now I am faced with what to do now.  The biggest part of me wants to fall apart and go to bed and never get up again but I can’t do that, I have my son to think about.

Last night I fell into my writing, it was too raw to write a blog.  I am now up and dressed, which is an achievement. I have had an outpouring of love from my Sober Sisters and also some very practical advice and support, which made me cry again I have to say.  The outcome is that I now feel stronger and have reached out to some companies.  I know now the sort of job I can do and be part of and now I just need to find it…………..