Day 1048

choices decision doors doorway
Photo by Pixabay on

Life sure is a strange thing, well mine certainly has this year.  There has been so much change for me that this picture of doors really does some up how I feel at the moment.  I have made so many decisions this year of what to do that I now worry about what to do next. The tiniest change sets me into a whirl of panic and uncertainty but I have always come out the other side unscathed and maybe a little wiser.

I started 2018 with some calm positivity. I thought that the worst had happened but that feeling of worst is all dependant on perception. I lost a family member who I love dearly and got divorced.  These two stand alone items are huge for any one person but sometimes the bigger the event and the more people involved the easier it is to experience.  People offer their condolences and seem to know when the best time to be there is.  It’s the small things that get me.

The change in seasons, a new car… these little things can have subtle built up consequences.  Any one thing on it’s on is manageable but life never throws these things up as singular events.  I even got a dog and then realised the work involved, although I would never be without him, a little bit like having children.

Some bad news this week brought out anxiety in me that I have never experienced before.  As a stand alone situation I would have been upset but not to the extent I was. The culmination of bad decisions and some massive changes led to a sense of rejection and pain  Also a huge feeling of being out of control, even though I did have a sense of the upcoming event and I am actually relieved the fear was awful. Very quickly I realised that my issue was more one of hopelessness rather than fear. If I had made the decision or phone call my feelings would have been of pride and ego.

Life has successfully brought me down a peg or two.  Before I make any life changing decisions I should seek advice and talk it through, oh and think it through.  I am hoping that I am now at the point of surrender and change, I am definitely more and more aware of who I can be.  Still working on who I am.


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