Day 1052

I feel like life it battering me just now and I am sure there is a lesson in there somewhere but I really just don’t know where.

This year I have bounced from job to job with them not working out for one reason or another. I think the main reason is that I am not making the right choices, I am not considering my mental health in any of this. Even though I am now sober doesn’t mean that to stay sober I can carry on my life as it was.

I now realise that I have spent a lot of my life living a lie. I have been trying to be what other people think I should be rather than really looking at what I am. I am from a generation of perceptions and stiff upper lip, don’t show weakness and certainly dont tell people about it.  These are the messages that have been instilled in me over and over again.  When you realise you have built up a persona that isn’t really you then it is very hard to strip it away, as I have now got no idea of who I am.

So I guess this year is about stripping back the old, taking control of who I am now and moving on. That however is a lot easier to say than to actually do.  I’m now going to have to sell my house, go into rented and find a job – all of these things are out of my control and are incredibly scary.

To be successful I must have faith that it is all going to be ok and it will be one way or another. I am worried though that I am a failure, that the people who have always seen the old me who was always ok are now confused about who this new person is. The only difference is that I am showing that I am not ok  now and am being honest with both them and myself.

While I am sitting writing this I do feel incredibly sick, have a banging headache and want to just curl up and go to sleep until it all goes away.