Day 1055

blue petaled flowers
Photo by Lesley on Pexels.com

Someone told me this week that if someone you loved says that you were not enough for them, then the chances are that no-one would be enough.  Interesting thought and is not a view I had ever considered.

In my mind’s eye everything that happens around me is all about me.  So if someone doesn’t answer my call; it’s because they don’t want to talk to me.  If someone doesnt seem that pleased to see me; its because they are not pleased to see me.  This could seem that I am self obsessed and think the world revolves around me; this is true but not in the context you may immediately think.

Taking this in a different sense then if someone asks me how I am I have been institutionalised to say I am fine, or I was. “People don’t want to know what is wrong with you” I was taught.  This is very much a part of my generation and has taught people to bottle up emotions that are negative and then that breeds the inability to communicate honestly.

Sobriety is slowly teaching me to reach out when I am struggling and to ask for help.  When someone in AA asks you how you are they tend to know the answer before you have said a word.  Why? because the rooms we meet in are safe places, you can relax, cry, laugh – just be.

Now don’t get me wrong there are some overly well-meaning people out there who want to fix you.  This is all well meaning advise and I have learned a way to thank them so as not to offend, but it is very difficult for me.  I want to ask for help and dont know how to, then when I do I dont know how to accept that help.  The few people who I have let get close now know not to ask just do, my closest friend is on her way now.

So going back to my initial statement of course I hadn’t considered the other persons perspective in life, why would I as it is me that is not good enough.  Why would that person pick up the phone to me, they are probably doing something a lot more interesting. Although in most cases I am coming to learn that this is not true and their fear could be that if they answered the phone they wouldn’t know how to respond.

 

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