My first AA meeting was 2 days after I had faced defeat and called up to ask for help. My Rock Bottom did involve some drama and a hospital visit, not a night I am proud of but I am very lucky as it could have been a lot worse.

I always say that I had to listen as I was so broken that I could do nothing else. The reality is I had no capacity in my head for any information and this could have been the concussion, or just my HP making me stop.

Its daunting coming in at first as you get a sea of kindness which you are really not prepared for. Everyone wants to offer you encouragement, which I found incredibly overwhelming.  I now tend to back off from the newcomer unless I see them on their own or struggling, but if one person is already there with them then that tends to be enough.

Once you have admitted defeat and some say that his the hardest bit don’t, I totally disagree, coming back again is the hardest bit. I seemed to get into a state of just doing what I was told, which was very unlike me and how I was.  I would listen but nothing went in I was totally lost and broken but slowly slowly, little by little I have got through this to today. I havent relapsed, although believe me I have come close on a few occasions but luckily for me I have a belly full of AA that seems to have sunk in deep.

Tonight at the meeting there was a newcomer and the pain and torment in her eyes was hard for me to see but you have to see it. You have to see it to remind you of what you don’t want to be again, it helps me fight relapse and be grateful for what I have as without sobriety I have nothing.

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