Day 1060

When I drank alcohol it was a rare occasion where I could remember the end of the evening. I always drank to excess and ALWAYS drank to black out, whether full blackout or partial.

Blackout to me was a natural part of getting drunk and I never understood when people could remember everything but still have a hangover as bad as mine. I would consider them to be lying, there was no way they were drunk.

adult alone black and white dark
Photo by Kat Jayne on

Early in sobriety I heard that blackout is caused by excess alcohol in your brain and therefore your brain loses the ability to form memories.  This completely flipped my thoughts on this as I always assumed I had just forgotten and the shenanigans of the evening would come back to me, like in the movies.  Obviously this was never the case.

I can remember going out with some friends and we would set ourselves the challenge of being able to remember going home. You would think that would cause alarm bells wouldn’t you, so while we were slugging down the wine and cider and beer and whatever else was available, we would discuss tactics of not getting too drunk.  We always failed.

There was one night where me and this particular “friend” went out, we are not in touch any more funnily enough.  When we went out we had made sure we had eaten – full tummy – tick. Then we decided we would only drink alcoholic ginger beer (I have no idea why we thought that would stop us getting drunk but it worked) – tick, then we could go home and feel achieved.

All that happened was that we got so stressed about not getting drunk that we didn’t really have any fun and then by the end of the night we hit the fuck it button.  I guess the feeling was more of entitlement as we had achieved our goal. It was 11pm and we were aware of what was going on, so we went and got vodka cocktails, shots and the obligatory bottle of wine.  I have no idea how I got home that night.

Needless to say my nights out now are a lot more fun, my drinks are non alcoholic as I have no interest in getting drunk and I go to be smiling and reflective on a lovely evening.

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