Day 1064

Something I have noticed more recently, is that I quite often feel like I am coming across a little boring.  On reflection what I have come to understand is that this is more about me being more comfortable with who I am and not feeling the need to prove myself.  When drinking I thrived on life’s ups and downs, the goods would be amazing and the bad would be horrendous.  Time and time again I would deal with these extremes by getting drunk and be desperately seeking attention.

Sobriety has made me see and recognise these fluctuations in mood and that to manage them always was more difficult, this is where our life becomes unmanageable.  This year has been incredibly testing for me but more lately I have become more and more accepting of my fate.  This is the hand that the universe has dealt me and that is fine.

autumn autumn colours autumn leaves beautiful
Photo by Pixabay on

In my drinking days I would like to portray myself as the high-flying career women who could juggle the job and kids, and of course I was married. This was all a front and I have always found my jobs to be a window to my status in society.  I was trying to portray a version of me that was saying I am ok, I am better than you or I am independent.  I now know that none of this is true and I was none of these things.  Slowly but surely I am finding these parts of my personality but they don’t define me anymore. I have nothing to prove as it is ok to be me.

Today has been an amazing day.  It started with watching my son doing Park Run and walking my dog, of course.  Then an afternoon of pottering and knitting followed up with my friend coming over with her dog, some salmon and having a lovely tea together.

As she has just left at nine PM we both apologised to each other for being boring. The reality is that we are both more happy in our skins and therefore don’t need to exaggerate our expressions on how we feel or what we are to each other.  It’s amazing to be truly relaxed in someones company and them to be relaxed with you.

Whilst these new feelings and moods will take some getting used to I do enjoy how it feels. For all my life has become quiet that is by no means a bad thing. I have more now than I have ever had and for that I am truly grateful.

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