Change

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When I first came into AA I was told that I had to change to succeed.   Being a highly egotistical individual I rebelled against such a theory, after all how could I be any different to how I was then?  In that initial first few days it seemed to be a mountain that there was no hope of me climbing.  That terrified me.

Although I wasnt aware at the time, I now though that I spent most of my life trying to fit into a socialised ideal that other people had for me. By living by these rules I had no clue who I was or what I wanted.  I believed that my life should be marriage, children and the semi detached house on the nice estate.  Now at one point I had all this but it was probably the most unhappy I had ever been.

If you had asked me at the time I would have told you I was a rebel and didn’t conform, but the reality was I was desperate for approval and to fit in.  To cover up my insecurity and confusion I would drink.   I can remember wondering why I was so different to everyone around me but now realise that I was trying too hard to be like them, and for the to like me, I had totally lost sight of who I was.

The journey through AA has been a tough one to date and I certainly have had my challenges.  More recently however I have started to feel more comfortable in my own skin, happy to make decisions without seeking approval from those around me and more like me than I have ever.

To any one now I don’t tend to tell them they need to change as it is a huge ask of any adult.  What I do think is that if you are aware of the old behaviours and faults of your past you are less likely to repeat them and that is the goal.  Be you and not the version of you that you tried to show others.

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