What is my purpose???

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach
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I have come to realise of late that PURPOSE is a big thing for me.  For a long time I was a sister, daughter, niece; then mother, partner and wife.  All of these made me feel incredibly weighed down as I never really knew how to do any of them.  I felt a huge weight of pressure as I had not clue on what or how to be and always seemed to conform to the suggestion of these rather than do them my way.

In recent years, in sobriety, these purposes have slipped away bit by bit.  I have no regular contact with family as we all life with physical distance between us.  Relationships with the partner and husband didn’t work out so have no love interest in my life, and not really sure I want one.

Now what I am is a mother, that is one that can’t be taken away from me and I love my kids with all my heart. It is the only love I can truly recognise and feel.  It is true and pure and as much as I want to keep them close I also want to let them fly and I am incredibly proud of the young me they are growing into.

When they were little I would say I felt incredibly isolated and tied down but now they are older I miss them deeply but have to let them go.  It’s a difficult conundrum and one I think all parents go through.  In sobriety I realise how lucky I have been that I have kept my children close, although I am also aware of the some of the damage I have done but can only make living amends and hope I am doing so.

One of my children worries so much that I worry about him, ironic isn’t it.  If I had given him a normal upbringing things might have been different – or would they?  I guess that’s a whole nature v’s nurture debate and I will never quite know the outcome.

As for purpose…. well right now I really don’t feel like I have one.  I feel a bit lost and in limbo. Life had thrown so many curve balls at me that I am really not sure what to do and what choices to make.  This is now where i need to trust in my higher power and let the universe take its course, maybe my purpose is not to have one.  Maybe I should just try to live life a little while just as me and not constantly trying to drive forward onto the next thing.

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