A lot of people refer to alcoholism as a disease or allergy – I beleive I have a condition, a bit like some faulty wiring in my brain. When I drank I very rarely remembered being drunk. I would go from sober to black out avoiding that sensation that a lot of people describe. I can recolect one occasion where I felt drunk, so a bit dizzy and a bit confused. A bit like my brain still knew what was going on my didnt react how I wanted. I will say that I did not like this sensation at all. I do wonder if I had experienced this more often if I would have carried on drinking.
Obviously this did not happen so the craving went straight to my brain and did whatever it did to put me in blackout. For some reason my brain craved and craved this over and over again, as I know that my soul did not.
One of the main reasons I knew I was an alcoholic was that constant inner battle I had with myself. I would awake from a night out or binge tentative of what I had said or done. I hated that I always drunk to blackout and therefore had no recolection of what had happened. I may have mentioned this before but its maybe worth saying again – Blackout is cause by to much alcohol in the brain. This then stops the brain from working and therefore forming any memories at all. So they myth that you might remember later is in fact just that – a myth.
I was incredibly lucky in that I had been searching for the reasons why I drank the way I did. Also I was desparate to be one of those people who stated, “I dont drink.” I thought that would be incredibly powerful, I just never knew how to get to know her.
In AA I have found this person, I have incredible friends and a great support network who have helped me find myself. I am confident in my abilty to exist as just me, as that is enough. Finding that confidence has therefore allowed me to put down the alcohol and embrace my personality without getting stressed or worrying about what other people think. Dont get me wrong I do have days of huge self doubt and lack of confidence but I have been shown that having a drink on it is not going to make it better.
All I have to do is accept what I am and what I am is enough – just for today of course.