Day 1081

My year has been a rocky one  and one that has put me in and out of employment.  I was struggling to find where I fitted in.  Its tough in this world now – we are expected to be perfect and look perfect at all times.  Various phone filters give us the perfect look and the perfect smile. When have you ever seen a selfie of someone crying, or hurt, or just thinking. It always smiles and fun and hey everyone look at me.

What I have recently discovered about myself is that I am not who I have been portraying myself to be and that is so freeing.  Im older now and have some wrinkles, Im not as thin as I once was and my hair is white.  What I am though is incredibly lucky as I have good health (of sorts) and recovery which has given me so much more than I could have ever thought.

My current work situation however is not great, I am lost and have no idea where to go.  I love my blog but know that I am not going to make money any time soon.  So in order to survive and put a roof over my head I have to go back out there into the world of working – something that totally fills me with dread and anxiety.

Applying for jobs is a bit like selling your house (oh yeah I’m doing that too btw).  Recruiters are notorious for being cut throat and not caring about you as an individual but more about just placing you in a job so that they can get paid.

Today I have had a completely refreshing experience where I was asked “what do you want?” and that wasnt about a role or salary it was about my heart.  So whats important to me?

1. Recovery Pup – obvs
2. Son’s – sorry you’re second but they are older now
3. Being inspired – I’m loving my new creative side
4. Genuine people – not necessarily nice but honest
5. Getting home – love curling up on my sofa with Recovery Pup

It was liberating to be able to voice these to someone who then didn’t mock me but thanked me for my honesty.  The reality is now that the interviews I have been to recently were pointless as none of them offered me the ability to be true to all of my requirements above.

I have a new-found hope and strength not to rush into the first job that comes along but to truly dig deep and find something that will not only give me long-term security (not financial but spiritual) but a sense of wellbeing and worth.

My Higher Power will help me find this I am sure, as well as my own faith in myself.