It still amazes me how my mood can swing so quickly and then the physical symptoms I get from that. Lately I have really noticed how tired I am, not just a bit sleepy but a real physical exhaustion. When I sit down I find it a real effort to get up, when I’m in bed I sleep for 8-9 hours easily this feeling is broken up by my two daily dog walks but even they can be hard work.
Given the events at the second half of this year and the position I am in now I can see how tightly I’ve been holding on, so by surrendering in the last few months I am hoping my fatigue is my body trying to relax and repair.
I can give you some examples of the events I experienced which has then led to my madness;
- Separated from husband
- Found AA
- Changed Job
- Got divorced
- obsessed with online dating
- Lost my Aunt
- Changed Job again
- Hit an emotional rock bottom
- changed job again
I am now not working and making some major adjustments in my life, for the better this time. These are more practical decisions rather than emotional ones and will make my life simpler and more structured and allow me to exist as me, and not the “I’m fine” character I have created over the years.
When I look back at that list I cannot believe some of the choices I made, changing jobs seems to be the biggest one. They are all incredibly emotional decisions or events. Even the unavoidable ones like losing my aunt I still accentuated by obsessing with online dating. It’s all my transference of addiction and something I do very well.
If you give me something to focus on, that I can really mess up and then I can pretend I am ok about, then the actual heartbreaking event that is happening in amongst all that is fine and not affecting me at all.
The problem of living that way is that everything catches up eventually.
Earlier this year I started to get a sense that my brain wasnt working properly, like it was full to capacity and had not means of taking in any more information. I found it hard to express how I was feeling and was making really stupid mistakes at work. It was like someone or something had taken me over. I would get an instruction or opinion and it was as if I had heard something totally different to anyone else.
My head got so congested that I did have a day where I contemplated the worst, I honestly felt that the world would be better off without me. Now to anyone who has not experienced those deep dark feelings of ending it all I do not expect you to understand, nor do I hope you ever do. Suicide is no mean feet and takes tremendous courage as it goes against all of our natural instincts of survival. Luckily for me I was a coward and did get on the train and go home rather than in front of it.
Since then I have been battling my way back to my own version of normality and with the measures I have put in place I am getting back to that person. Mental health is such a taboo topic and hard for people to talk about. This was incredibly hard to write.
The greatest thing I did was to totally break down to my best friend and my sponsor and tell them everything about how I was feeling. Its amazing, when people know the facts they can then help you in the right way and not just think that you “are fine”.