My name is..

As a forty something, middle class woman with a good job, house, husband and kids you would think I had it all.  I had the ability of appearing to be fine and happy but inside I was the opposite and somehow was living my life as a functioning alcoholic.

I believe I was born this way, I believe that there is something in my genetic make up that means when I take an alcoholic drink I have an inability to stop until I cannot physically consume anymore.  The first drink would be the hardest, I would swear off another and insist that I was only going to have this one tonight, I would test my resolve.  I always failed and despite my best intentions I always finished the bottle.  It was a bit like having a huge sense of relief that it then made it ok to have another drink then another until the bottle was done.

Growing up I was always the most drunken person in the room, I loved to dance and being drunk gave me confidence.  I developed my party girl persona and wore it like a badge of honour.

Throughout my twenties this was a right of passage, I surrounded myself with a group of friends that all behaved the way I did. I naturally moved in the crowds who drank heavily, or at least would tolerate me drunk.  I always drank to black out and had this sense that if I wasnt in blackout then I wasnt drunk,  that drinking this was perfectly normal behaviour,  and I assumed everyone did the same.

More recently I found out what blackout meant and it was really quite unnerving.  Blackout is when your brain has been saturated with so much alcohol that you can no longer form memories.  A lot of people think that they simply forget what has happened but the reality is you have never remembered in the first place.

Home drinking began in my thirties, I was now married with two kids and drinking at home became normal with me regularly drink at least a bottle of wine a night. I was working full-time so had this sense of entitlement and that somehow I deserved it.

In my working life I would talk to other working mums and would actively seek them out so I could question them on their drinking habits to ensure what I was doing was the same as everyone else.  Once I found someone with the similar identity then it would justify my behaviour and allow me to carry on.  Although it took me a long time to realise that I would drink because I was bored, tired, happy, sad or just because I damn well deserved it.

After a heavy night the next morning would be fuelled with regret and the potential embarrassment of what I might have done or said.  I would swear off another drink ever again and would really mean it.  I would go to work, pretending desperately that I was fine but in reality my head would be throbbing and I would be feeling so ill.

On and on this behaviour continued with my drinking getting worse and worse. I took a decision to end my marriage, as we were both miserable, and made plans to change job. I was always looking for an emotional fix to change a mental problem.  I was sure that if just one of these areas improved then I wouldn’t feel the need to get drunk all the time.  Needless to say none of these changes made any difference as I hadn’t truly looked why I was so obsessed with alcohol and that I was in fact an alcoholic.

One Saturday morning in December 2015, after a very messy Friday night, I surrendered and was exhausted. I was so tired of who I was and how I behaved that I couldn’t do it anymore but had no idea of how to stop.

Slowly people had been backing away from me, and I was more alone that I had ever been.  That Saturday morning was most definitely my rock bottom and with that realisation I phoned AA and asked them for help.

So excited that this has been published on Huffington Posts lifestyle blog;

Huffington Post Lifestyle

 

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