Day 1107

Even after all this time in sobriety I still forget that normal life is not always on an even keel. Part of living is about ups and downs, celebrations and disappointments and this is something I need to remember to ensure I continue with my recovery.

I continue to make decisions based on emotion rather than what is right for me, the difference now though is that I have people to talk to about it. I know why I am let down and disappointed as I am putting my faith in someone who will never be able to live up to my expectations. Now that is not their fault but mine, I am hoping for something that does not exist.

Early sobriety was spent in my looking for other people to fix me more recently it is experiences that make me happy and then I cannot accept the come down after.  I went to a gig with a close friend recently and we had the best night, loads of laughs. For a few days afterwards I felt really flat and down. Instead of remembering how much fun I had I wanted that euphoric feeling to last and continue on and on. A bit like when I was drinking and couldn’t put it down.

These swings are not as dramatic but still very evident and I can very easily get caught up in the moment and then let that feeling define me.  I have to work at changing this as I believe a lot of it is low self-esteem.

From today I am going to tell myself that I am enough over and over again until I can truly start to believe it. I do know this deep down but am scared to vocalise it because when I do then it might change.  I do know I am doing my best to be the best version of me that I can and just for today that has to be enough.

As for all the other little lapses of judgement I believe that this is just life and as long as I realise the error then I can make it better.  Everything we do is about learning what makes us and that doesn’t have to be good or bad, it just is.  We are all on a journey that never ends and that, for me, is true recovery.

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