I have had a few days of highs and lows that have reminded me of a few of my basic principles that I have to keep in check. When I have the highs I am euphoric and believe that life can’t get any better, but the lows hit me with such ferocity that I am prone to considering relapse or worse.
As an absolute basic I am not watching my food intake. I have issues around food and eating is just a drain on time that I find laborious, I have no idea where it came from but do know that with every piece of food I consume I feel a stone heavier than I was 10 mins before. This can lead to days of me not eating or only having 1 meal a day, with lots of sugary snacks in between.
I am well aware of the pitfalls and know that by not eating any events that happen that might upset me are heightened beyond control. I take small rejections or criticisms incredibly personally to the point where I am crying uncontrollably. I feel like a failure and that I am not good enough to be on the planet, in fact everyone would be better off without me.
This was the case this week and I lashed out at the wrong people and in doing this created a whole new situation where I have had to apologise. I spoke to a friend about this and her first question to me was “what have you eaten today?” She knows me far too well. I then ate (albeit a ready meal as I am incredibly lazy) and suddenly the whole situation didn’t seem so bad and the rest of my evening was spent in objective reflection of the events.
When things are going well then it is a similar pattern, just the opposite emotion. I am over excited, childlike and euphoric. It is as exhausting as my body is responding in a way that is not like me and it is incredibly uncomfortable. I say and react in a way I find quite vulgar sometimes, and can have almost Ladette outbursts – which is not comfortable.
I am now aiming towards a more consistent plan, hopefully. I am going to try to eat small regular meals and try to keep them as healthy as I can. I will not deny myself the sugar but know that I need to cut right down. I am going to increase my walking with Recovery Pup (any excuse to post a pic of him) as this does help clear my mind.
Ultimately it is about learning my triggers, knowing myself and taking care of myself. That is the only way to tackle my demons and to move into my new way of living.