I have successfully made it through the Christmas chaos and am getting ready for the day. By getting ready I really mean doing nothing any different and treating each day as a normal day and trying to take it as it comes. My mood however is incredibly low.
Reflecting on this and trying to identify why I feel this way I realise that I am drawn to how others feel about me in order for my mood to be lifted. As I do this I am relying on people, places and things to make me feel better. The biggest issue with that is that all these things also really stress me out.
These feeling do make me realise that I am still not happy with me and who I am. I try to help and reach out but when I do I feel like I am interfering and being a bit much. I can sit and have 9 people tell me how well I have done on something but that one person who rolls their eyes or dismisses me then that is the hit I will take.
This week I suffered a personal rejection which did really hurt my feelings. Despite everything I have gone through this year this is the first time that I really wanted to hit that button and just go and get drunk. My instinct was to get drunk and when I say drunk I mean blind drunk.
I suspect that this feeling has really unnerved me and upset all the good work I had done to get a balance. My biggest weakness is now in myself and how I find the person deep down inside me that is comfortable being myself. I need to stop looking for approval from others and find that confidence in myself that I am ok and I am enough.
My hope is that if I can find that then I wont want to hit that big red button again and ruin everything that I have achieved so far. Whilst my friends and family are my support they do not define me and I have to believe in myself, my actions and my choices to ensure that I can continue my sober journey.
In order to ensure emotional sobriety I must have a relationship with emotionally sober people, places and things.