Day 1120

This part of the season between Christmas and New Year is always a bit flat.  This is the time where I crave normality but somehow knowing that New Year is looming I can’t quite relax.

This is my 4th sober Christmas and I feel lucky as alcohol is no longer a major factor for me. I have learned the skills that I need to stay safe and also be happy with my choices. I will however, admit to some cross addictions including chocolate, binge TV series and Bubblewitch Saga.  None of these are going to cause me to loss my family so for now I will deal with these as best I can.

What I don’t seem to have an ability to do is control my depression. I am on medication that does help day-to-day but when I have a slump it is horrid.  Today I feel flat, I just want to sleep and not be part of the real world. The trouble with that is I dont really want that either.  I crave normality and stability, I want paranoia and low self-esteem to leave me.  I want that feeling of not being able to connect to another human being to leave me and for me to flow in amongst humanity as others seem to.

My self-awareness is amazing and sobriety has allowed that, it is also a hinderance sometimes. Knowing my flaws can be debilitating as I am constantly questioning my actions and choices, wondering if I am doing or saying the right thing.

The end goal has to be the acceptance of who I am and being ok with that, that is the bit I am finding really hard.  I feel like I am tripping over my personality all the time, questioning my motives and actions and then adjusting my reactions based on what I have done previously.  This is exhausting but I still have no idea who I am and how I feel.  There is so much that I want but so much that I am scared of.

One thing that is so clear to me now is that sobriety is so much more than just putting down alcohol.