Day 1136

Today I have woken feeling good and have a smile on my face.

I have had a week of pain, of learning what is good for me and who is good for me. People have been dismissive of my feelings, but I have had the power to express this and stand up for myself. I have laughed and I have cried and it all ended with an incredible meeting of fellows talking about the steps that allowed us to find our sobriety.

We discussed the pain of alcoholism and the early days that finally brought us to our knees.  I remember so clearly that feeling of desperation of not wanting to be crying whilst drinking knowing I wanted to stop but not knowing why. It’s so important to be reminded of those early days.  I heard it said last week that “I could give up alcohol, my problem is living life without it”, I totally relate to that feeling.

This week has been a big one for me, I have been off work for a few months and today culminates in an embarkation of a new job, in a new industry and a brand new role.  The sales world is not for me anymore, my ego has been deflated and a huge ego is a must if you need to sell, I don’t want to be that huge ego any more.

I am humbled and impressed by the stories of others who have made this transition and how well they have done. This support has inspired me to move forward.   Yesterday I was a bag of nerves and anxiety, I have cried and talked and cried some more.  I also got scared that I was going to change my mind and not turn up today.  With the support of my lovely fellows that is most definitely not the case.

Part of my week last week has been to hit another rock bottom which has made me realise that it is ok to be me.  From the information I have received from my new workplace I am confident that they are all good people and that is all that matters at the end of the day.  I can go to work today and just be me as I am now and the person I am, I don’t have to pretend to be better than anyone. I can sit and listen and learn.

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