Day 1148

Two weeks in and I’m slightly, tentatively and slowly merging into life outside of my bubble.  I tell you what its tough out there, politics and personalities, expectations and understanding.

I’m really trying to work my program and show patience and tolerance but it’s not easy. I am continually balancing ego and low self-esteem, although mainly ego.  Suddenly my mental health feels a lot better I am calm and confident.

My dilemma now is how do I maintain my serenity.  With this feelings comes the urge to do more, get busy and to push myself. I was reminded today though that by doing this, I could head down a path back to bad mental health. How then do I maintain my serenity.

I used to dream of a nice local job that wouldn’t stress me, yet when I have it I want more and more.  It’s like that with most things once I have what I think I want that’s going to make me feel better, I get it and suddenly it’s not enough. I guess thats the brain of an addict, that constant need for more.

Talking to people who care is the best way for me to deal with this, and be reminded of what I was like a few months ago.  My dream is my writing and by working in the environment I do I am free to do this at my leisure.  I am not constantly worrying about work and targets and that has to be good doesn’t it.  Why then do I constantly want more?

I get the addiction of alcohol and I can even understand gambling but what I don’t understand is having tranquility and then pushing to mess that up. Is that still the urge or addiction to a dopamine rush??  Or is it not being happy with myself and feeling like I need more and more to prove my worth.

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