Another week and weekend have passed with the normal highs and lows. On Thursday I had a great sense of finding a balance, turning another corner in my life balance. I appreciate that, as an addict, I expect instant gratification in everything I do. I need to learn to appreciate that it takes time to adjust to change and balance.
I have always been the type of person who would buy a house and instantly want to build an extension, not because that was the plan, but because I had to be doing something. To be able to sit back and smile and enjoy what I have has never been possible for me.
This week has taught me a lot of my frustrations, basically I act like a spoilt child and in the past if I didn’t get what I wanted I would throw a tantrum and get drunk. The feeling of rejection or not having my desire fulfilled is overwhelming and consumes me. I spend a huge amount of time second guessing myself and my actions, its exhausting.
Constant reassurance is definitely inbuilt and I find myself either saying “sorry” or “was that ok” an awful lot. I even get days where I swear blind my dog hates me.
While we are encouraged to love ourselves in our programme it’s still something I struggle with every day and I have no idea how to change that. I look to other people to tell me I am ok and good enough. Actions are not enough I need the physical words but even then I struggle to believe them. If I did then history has told me that if I let in that feeling then I will be hurt at some point, they always leave. Deep down I beleive that I am not good enough and I have no idea how to overcome that.
I know I do my best, I ask for help and I love deeply. My children and some other people close to me. Why then can I not believe that I am loved, I will admit that I know my children will be fine without me. I feel insignificant in this world and am just another cog in the wheel of life.
Maybe one day I will find the answers…