Day 1156

Another week and weekend have passed with the normal highs and lows.  On Thursday I had a great sense of finding a balance, turning another corner in my life balance.  I appreciate that, as an addict, I expect instant gratification in everything I do.  I need to learn to appreciate that it takes time to adjust to change and balance.

I have always been the type of person who would buy a house and instantly want to build an extension, not because that was the plan, but because I had to be doing something. To be able to sit back and smile and enjoy what I have has never been possible for me.

This week has taught me a lot of my frustrations, basically I act like a spoilt child and in the past if I didn’t get what I wanted I would throw a tantrum and get drunk.  The feeling of rejection or not having my desire fulfilled is overwhelming and consumes me.  I spend a huge amount of time second guessing myself and my actions, its exhausting.

Constant reassurance is definitely inbuilt and I find myself either saying “sorry” or “was that ok” an awful lot.  I even get days where I swear blind my dog hates me.

While we are encouraged to love ourselves in our programme it’s still something I struggle with every day and I have no idea how to change that.  I look to other people to tell me I am ok and good enough. Actions are not enough I need the physical words but even then I struggle to believe them.  If I did then history has told me that if I let in that feeling then I will be hurt at some point, they always leave.  Deep down I beleive that I am not good enough and I have no idea how to overcome that.

I know I do my best, I ask for help and I love deeply. My children and some other people close to me.  Why then can I not believe that I am loved, I will admit that I know my children will be fine without me.  I feel insignificant in this world and am just another cog in the wheel of life.

Maybe one day I will find the answers…

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