Here we are at the end of another week, another week sober is the one bit that I need to focus on. Work is going well and I am settling in without the stresses and strains.
Emotions and people however, are whole other matter. I have still got feelings and emotions that I don’t understand. I am still attracted to personalities that are unreliable and probably people who dont have the ability to connect with me emotionally, as I am also unable to connect emotionally.
I put my heart and soul into friendship and way sooner than I should, its my need to be loved and wanted but what I need to learn is that I cannot get that from other people. It needs to come from inside me.
It’s so hard when you have hated yourself for all these years to then think “I’m alright as I am”. I do try to think it but then the voice inside me tells me not to be so arrogant and to get over myself. Who am I to have such a high opinion of myself when I have proven myself to be worthless. After all no one has really stuck with me for the long-term, no one either truly wants to listen.
I’m not sure how I have created this world around me but I know that when I drank and would dull the pain and I would justify that feeling of rejection. I guess that negative thoughts attract negative people so when I meet the good ones I push them away as I am not sure how to deal with it.
A beautiful friend came to see me today and as always I assumed that she wanted something from me, when she said she just wanted to catch up cause she’s not seen me in ages I find that really hard to accept. Today (and she knows who she is reading this I hope) I tried really hard to just enjoy than moment and I am glad I did as we had a lovely afternoon.
I know what I need to do to move forward and I need to enforce my boundaries to ensure that the only people around me are the people who really care, not the ones that want something for me. Or are using me to fix themselves.
Sobriety has given me this gift and I do intent to keep working on it.