Feelings

So, the best thing about getting sober is that you get your feelings back, the worst thing is that you get your feelings back. This is unfortunately so true for me and especially just now.

For as long as I can remember I have always found it hard to know if people care for me or not.  I have a huge sense that they are doing what they are doing out of a sense of duty.  Any partnership I have had I have needed constant re-assurance and have not ever felt good enough, or have always waited for it to end.  I wish I could understand where that came from.

By constantly feeling like this I have also had a sense that I have created my own self fulfilling prophecies.  Rather than accepting a disagreement was just that I would create a situation that would then push people away and therefore I would end relationships before they even started, self-protection.  Any “nice” people who have come in my life have scared me or I have felt smothered or overwhelmed.  What that then gives me is a life of massive uncertainty, of feeling unloved and not knowing how and if I love.

All my life I have romanticised about that strong charming man who would sweep me off my feet and we’d live happily ever after.  Deep inside I was the little girl who craved unconditional love but on the outside I would say that I never wanted anyone and that I wasnt the romantic sort, again this was a defence and not my truth.

The end of my marriage was quite possibly the biggest heartache I have ever experienced and is most definitely pain I can never again face.  I am lucky that we have both been incredibly mature and neither of us did any of the typical actions ie; cheat, hit, abuse etc… and he has never made me feel that my alcohol played a part in the split.  We just became different people and decided to part ways.  None of this makes what we have gone through any easier.

Now some years have passed it would be nice to meet someone but sober I have no idea what to do.  I find myself attracted to all the wrong people, the ones who will play on my vulnerabilities or let me down.  For whatever reason I don’t seem to be attracted to the nice ones.  Some say I’ve just not met the right guy yet, or that my Higher Power is protecting me. I have also been told I am where I need to be right now.

Whatever is my truth I know that I don’t want to go back and make bad choices again. I am listening to my gut more and more and it seems to be working so I guess if “he” does come along I will know and it will feel right.

 

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