Day 1181

Maybe the plan is working and I am more settled in my own skin more than ever. When life hits me with emotions or decisions I no longer see alcohol as the solution, which is amazing.  I still have to question some choices I make.  I still have the really bad habit of going in the wrong direction emotionally but I guess the difference now is that I am more aware and get that sense that I am making a mistake.

When I started this journey I knew I wanted to stop drinking and work out why I was that way. What I didn’t count on was the self-development and emotional calmness that I am learning. I know more now about what makes me tick and why I crave the approval and attention I do.

In basic terms my inner child is broken, she incredibly sad and is not able to say no. She lets people take her for granted and walk over her – which makes her sad.  After an extensive conversation with another fellow today I come to realise that I constantly worry about not doing the right thing, I have no self-care and no self-respect. I think being lonely doesn’t help – so I am constantly seeking approval.

The biggest difference now is that I recognise that uncomfortable feeling and sense of morality.  It’s the old head and heart conundrum I guess, my head knows its wrong but my heart will take anything it can get.

All my life I have moved from one emotionally abusive relationship to another.  I have no idea how to achieve and live in a functional world although since I have been showing more vulnerability I am seeing more and more the friendships that genuinely care and the ones who are just there for the ride, these are the ones I need to move away from.

From now on if my relationships do not make me feel safe then they are not right for me.