Day 1195

So despite everything that the universe is throwing at me I am still sober.  The last 9 months have been rollercoaster of change and I get a sense I am not even near the end of the ride.

I get the sense that every time something good happens it is followed by something bad and sitting here writing today I think that I have still got a long way to get my ego in balance. I am still on a see saw of emotion and my expectations arent aligned.

When I do something I realise that I expect to be the best and I expect everyone to notice and therefore adore me for it.  In the same note if something is bad then I still go to the other extreme and see the absolute worst outcome. Hence I am still on a see saw and its exhausting.

Part of me is still that lost little girl who wants to be adored and rescued and I have to come to realise that this is not how things work.  I still have those fleeting moments of dismay and feeling lost but I am learning to feel the emotion and just wait, keep the thoughts to myself and it balances out.

Last week I had some horrid news about a friend of mine and my initial reaction is most obviously upset and sadness.  What I need to remember is that this is not about me and actually her strength and positivity is incredible.  My first reaction was to just go out and get very drunk yet when I told her that she just said “Why would you undo all your hard work?” a simple yet incredibly powerful message.

No dramatic, “OMG please don’t!!” which is probably the reaction I wanted, but by hearing her words it has given me the change in attitude I need.

I never expected to find living life so difficult without alcohol but slowly slowly, one day at a time I am getting there.

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