Day 1289

For a long time I would hear people say “you are exactly where you are supposed to be” and I always struggled with this, until fairly recently. I couldn’t understand what they meant or why they were saying it. Did they mean physically ? Emotionally ? Or spiritually? It all seemed like a bizarre concept.

Lately I have been lost and have been looking for purpose in my life. My kids have grown up and my oldest is now forming his own life and future, with my second not far behind. I have been single a long time now and there is no sign of that changing and therefore I have struggled to understand what I am here for.

I don’t have any one to look after, so I got a dog obviously. I don’t have a buzzing career, as sobriety allowed me to shed that burden. So what is the point of my existence.

I’m a strong believer in nature and if you look at other animals they reproduce rear the young and if able to, reproduce again. I am no longer at an age where I can reproduce so am guessing that is where my feelings of uselessness come from. I have successfully reared my young and am ready for them to move forward and form their own futures.

My purpose has gone and if I am completely honest I was ready to leave this planet content with those facts. I no longer fear death, which in a strange sense, is a relief as it has removed one of my biggest fears.

I have now come to consider the concept that I don’t need a purpose, I have a lovely family and great friends so why cant I sit back and enjoy that. The journey through sobriety follows a pattern, a little like a flow chart.

There are phases of recovery; anger, elation, denial, frustration, elation, depression, apathy, elation. They all follow an orderly queue and in a slightly different order depending on your own circumstances.

I began my journey lost and broken, I then got angry, then elation (my pink cloud) then submission, a bit more anger, elation, denial, frustration etc etc and on and on I went on the rollercoaster.

I am lucky enough not to have relapsed, but for those that do I definitley don’t see this as a shameful, it is just one of the paths of recovery and providing you are able to pick up and start again it is experience. I relapsed many times prior to finding a twelve step programme so my journey has been no different to many people.

More recently I entered a phase of acceptance. I have acceptance of who I am and my capabilities. I have space in my head to process thoughts and work logic into my actions. I care enough about myself to keep my recovery routine in check but also not to fret if I slip up now and then. I have also gained acceptance of myself and what I am and that is the biggest of all.

I’m at peace with my addiction and know what I need to do to keep things on the right path and that is the greatest purpose of all. I am also acutely aware that this will change and something else will happen to change my current frame of mind but i will deal with that when the time comes.

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