Day 1296

Whilst listening to someones story last week I started to see how some of my behaviours were slipping. My self-care wasnt at its best and hearing my lovely fellow talk about her addictive behaviour gave me the nudge I needed to recognise it.

I still find it amazing how so many people will have come from different backgrounds at all levels of severe abuse right through to extreme love, and all levels in between.  It does seem to me that no matter what we have experienced and addict will always be an addict.

Alcohol was my substance of choice but it was also food for a long time, and is something I still battle on a regular basis.  For a lot of others drugs played a big part of their story and gambling is another one. I guess the substance or action is irrelevant as we all seek that euphoric feeling and then do everything we can to maintain that.

Last week my self-care had slipped badly and I gained an obsession with crunchies. I went to the shop with the full intention of getting fruit and veg and left with a 4 pack of crunchies because, well I deserved them as I had been so good (sound familiar?).  I then put them in the fridge intending to just have one……

I went on to make my cup of tea and enjoy my crunchie.  I then thought “hmm one more wont hurt” (sound familiar ?) so had another. Then that was it, the uncontrollable need had kicked in so I got up and had the third.  Now this is where is got spookily familiar as instead of leaving the 4th one in the fridge I brought it through with me as my subconscious had already decided I was going to eat it.  And well I did…..

I know that I am talking about chocolate and that it doesn’t sound to bad but its the behaviour, the thoughts and the actions.  Why did I deserve to put a load of sugary chemicals in my body? Why did I have the internal battle of knowing what I was doing was wrong but I wasnt able to stop?  Why did I finally give in and just accept I was going to eat all of them, and then did?

It all about lack of self-esteem and self-care. The next time it could be alcohol and that is why it is so important that I recognise these feelings and act on them before they become something else.  That is why it is so important for me to be part of a fellowship where I get reminded on a regular basis of how easy these feelings can manifest and that is why I continue to attend and listen.

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