Day 1313

Whilst talking to someone today I came to realise that life is like a game of Whack-a-mole.  You know the one where various heads keep popping up, while they are nice and slow they can be managed. As they get busier and faster it gets harder and harder to keep them all down.

At the heart of all my popping heads is my motor running faster and faster keeping it all moving – this is my hearts centre and the answer to all my feelings.  It was an interesting concept and one that I have come to understand and make sense to me to help me understand my feelings.

In order to manage all my popping heads (or feelings) I need to understand what makes them keep on jumping. Is it love, anguish, anger, happiness or a combination of many other thing.

For me this puzzle it starting to come together, in order to manage the different pieces I have to understand what makes them pop up and this means my whack-a-mole machine needs a bit of a service.  My previous coping mechanism was to over react and get drunk, or on the very odd occasion over exercise.

I get the sense that I am sat at the edge of a ledge swinging my legs like a little kid on a swing.  My feet are dangling and I am now chosing whether I stay as I am or I jump.  Both are scary and I know I have to do one of them.  If I stay as I am currently I know I will be fine, I am in a good place and life is more settled but I am still struggling with some challenges around my choices and why I do what I do.

Jumping is scary as I have no idea what is in the big dark space below my feet.  I would be plunging myself into the unknown but if I don’t will I ever be free of my insecurities and low self-esteem.  What I need to do is face my fear, whatever that may be.

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