Toxic people are the hardest obstacle for me to overcome. In my drinking days I would surround myself by them so much so that it became the norm and would lead to people pleasing. The nicer people in my life seemed boring or that they were lying, for whatever reason, but the ones that it was harder to win over… well they were the challenge.
My default was to always seek approval for my behaviour be it good or bad, and when it was never received that was fine as I never expected it. All sounds a bit crazy but it typical of the self fulfilling prophecy of doom.
Dont let the good people love you as they will let you down anyway, but if you try to win over the bad ones you will never succeed and therefore never let you down. This is how some people go from one destructive relationship to another – I would alway gravitate to what I knew and what is comfortable and therefore I would never be disappointed. Even if that relationship was bad for my emotional well-being. These were also the same people who saw no wrong in my drinking as I believe that somehow my misery made them feel better about themselves.
Sobriety is now teaching me to be more gentle with myself and also kinder. I do deserve true love and an honest and pure love, that includes loving myself and loving others. When I am able to do this then I get it back and not only that, I recognise that I get it back from the right people.
We talk a lot in recovery about a hula hoop and ony letting the people in who are deserving, there is not a lot of space in there so why waste is with negativity or worse narcissism. Love, peace and happiness is all I need now.
As a result of learning these practices my circle of friends and family is a lot smaller, but a lot more peaceful and a lot happier. When someone tries to break my hoop I talk to my fellows, right size my thinking and restore the balance.
This for me is the only way to keep my balance and be happy.