I often wonder why it is that, as an alcholic, I suffer from incredibly low self esteem. When I was in active alcoholism I would stomp and thrash my way through homelife and worklife. I would force my opinion and get involved in situations that I didnt need to. My actions were always impulsive and sometimes incredibly rude and offensive.
The resulting behavour would then make me incredibly defensive and aware of what I had said, but rather than owning it and apologising I would continue to batter my way through avoiding any potential conflict until I was sure it would pass.
More often than than not I would be convinced that everyone hated me so that made it easier for me to condone my actions.
I am really not sure why but alcohol fuelled these feelings for me. It masked my true feelings about myself and how I beleived others saw me. It left me trapped in a world of bitter resentment and hatred, thus justifying my need to drink. After all who cared about me anyway, I most certainly didnt so how could anyone else.
Finding sobriety has slowly aleviated these feelings, although I am Im not sure that they will ever leave. However, by looking at myself and my behaviour I can see a way where I can be happy with me and my decisions. I dont have to go around pointing out what everyone else does wrong, but only know that what I am doing is correct.
Other people’s actions can still annoy me, but I recognise now that they are just doing what they see as right for them, and not to hurt or irritate me. I am learning that there are better ways to resolve difficult situations and alsoways in which I can ignore the actions of others that don’t directly affect me.
We are all just people trying to find our way through life and by just focusing on what is best for me I am finding that I am starting to do what is best for others. I try to be honest as much as is possible, I care and I am no longer as angry as I was.
By looking at my part I am free from resentment and hope to not feel the need for an alcoholic drink anytime soon – ONE DAY AT A TIME.