Day 1504

Recovery is like the tide, it ebbs and flows and as we reach different stages each come with new challenges and new rewards.

More recently I have come to a place of neutrality around alcohol. I finally don’t feel like I need to hold on so tight and watch my every move. I can be with people who drink and I don’t feel the need to judge or be jealous. It just is what it is and that is truly amazing.

This new found neutrality does, however, come with its own set of challenges.

My biggest realisation, I have had recently, is that alcohol is my addiction and not the reason. It is my go to support aid when I cant cope with life. In sobriety now I need to learn to live without the alcohol and with life.

Life comes with many challenges and for me people and relationships are my biggest hurdle. I have got to my late 40’s emotionally deprived and unaware of how to be a friend, mother, daughter and failed miserably as a wife. I have an immaturity that, at my age, I find challenging on a daily basis.

My feelings can flick from grown up to teenager, to petulant child so quickly depending on where I am and who I am with. I often seek out ways to change the way I feel and if they don’t work there and then, on my time, then my frustration is so overwhelming. In this state I recognise I can become needy and that is not an attractive quality to anyone.

To recognise this in recovery can be incredibly painful and used to lead me to people pleasing. Now I am working hard to “self sooth” and learn to nurture and love my inner child. She is learning to deal with a whole host of emotions and that isn’t easy, so I need to be kinder to her and show her patience and understand.

Friendships can be transient and change as we grow. Should they fizzle out then there is inevitable hurt. This can be felt any level, but by letting those feelings pass through we can then allow a more objective phase to take charge. This phase is when you look at the events and why you feel how you feel, no blame just facts.

By doing this I have now realised that maybe some friendships serve a purpose at a set point in time. What I need to focus on is the friendships that have stood the test of time.

  • The ones where I don’t need to people please or try too hard.
  • The ones that have stood the test of time no matter how much or how little we see of each other.
  • The ones you know you can truly count on without worrying.

True recovery is possible, I have seen it in others, it just takes time.

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