Day 1634 – Why?

It occurred to me this morning that when a child constantly asks “why?” is that because they are not happy with the answer we have given them, and they need to know more?

My sons favourite was "Why is the sky blue?" and until I found out the scientific answer behind this he was not happy and with each opinion I gave him he continued to ask, "But why mummy?"  Whatever that was about it showed me his curiosity and need for information and understanding.

Up until very recently all my decisions have been driven on emotion and a need to feel something. Whether that be pain or elation I have always had a desire to fix myself. I don’t think at any point I ever asked myself “why?”

Why did I need the house or the car or that drink?? My instant thought to any of this was “I deserved it.

Doing some self development recently I now realise it was all about me and how I felt about myself. I was looking outwards for acceptance, by having the house and the car and the apparent perfect life that made me look better to others, or so I thought.

The problem with these things was that they never filled that void, or the hole in the soul, so a drink would numb the pain and inflate my ego, which I now recognise to be my wall of defence.

“I was trying to fix myself rather than allowing myself to heal.”

What I now try to do is ask myself “Why?” when a need or desire overwhelms me.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on

Why do I need to buy that dress? (for example) normally the answer is I don’t as I already have 3 others in my wardrobe in the same style that I am not happy with. Additionally none of them have made me feel any better about how I look so why try again? It all seems so futile.

By then resigning to the fact that the dress wont make me feel better, only I can do that, is when I can heal. I can only wear what I am comfortably in, any self esteem around that look comes from within me and how I feel about myself. All of this is learned through questions, constant questions about why why why???

So why now would I pick up a drink? The simple answer is that today I wouldn’t. Today I am happy with who I am and the choices I have made – should that change I will again ask myself “Why?” and hopefully come to a sane conclusion to allow me to move on and be free…..

Photo by Kelly Lacy on

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